When Your Teen Walks On Water

When my first child was about to turn thirteen, our family was on furlough from missions in France. I decided to attend a church discussion on parenting teens. A video described an elaborate how-to system for parents. In order to get in the “physical touch” step, one father had re-arranged the living room so that his teenage daughter’s favorite TV chair was near the passage, allowing him to touch her surreptitiously as he walked by! The video went on to describe the “grunt” stage, during which a teen was supposed to use only monosyllabic utterances. By the time the video had finished, I could hardly contain myself. As soon as the session opened for discussion, I raised my hand.

“So the lovely relationship I have with my daughter will disappear the day she turns thirteen?”

Knowing smiles greeted me.

“Just wait,” they all said.

I went back to France and waited for my daughter to turn pre-historic. In the meantime, I just kept talking to her, and she to me. I forgot the living room trick, and had to use the bathroom trick instead. I had so much physical touching from babies crawling all over me all day, that I had to lock myself in the bathroom to write my shopping list. And everyone just kept talking. Age seemed to have little to do with how much they talked. Personality had a lot to do with it. Oh, the line has had static sometimes. We have not communicated perfectly, and our communication has not always been positive! I don’t always like what they say and do, and they don’t always like what I say and do, but we do communicate.

I do not write this because I have “made it.” By God’s immense grace all seven of our children are believers. But they have had their moments of doubt and rebellion, and I can’t shout it loud enough: “ALL IS OF GOD’S GRACE!” Many godly Christians do not live to see the conversion of their children. Though God has promised to bring his covenant to fruition, it doesn’t always happen in our lifetime. And God asks some of His best heroes to walk through fiery testing. “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:4)

So what should Christian parents do when children raised in solid Christian homes begin to wander down the paths of doubt or rebellion? Here is what I have noticed. Children raised in a Christian home are extremely idealistic. They dream a lot. They dream of the husband or wife they will meet, of being a godly woman like their mom, or a pious, strong man like their father. They dream of careers -often in Christian service-, and of the affection that children will bring into their lives. They dream of doing good for others, of loving God perfectly. And they have an intense desire for intimacy and genuine, deep friendship. This incredibly intense emotional life is hidden under a flurry of activities in some or a shell of apathy in others. It includes a sometimes ferocious desire for respect, and is often exacerbated by hormones.

Find Your Old Diary

You may have kept a teenage diary. Open your diary and read it if you have one. In our home, I have a diary I wrote when I was fourteen. On almost every page I found passionate desires to serve God tucked in with the details of hockey games, piano recitals, Christian camps, and research for school. And on almost every page I also found passionate expressions of attraction for my latest crush. Tear stains were common.

My husband has a diary he kept at the age of nineteen, while in university. Surprise, surprise. One page is full of Christian reflection and piety. The next describes his angst at becoming bald and mentions the particularly attractive outfit his girlfriend wore that weekend!

Moms, let your own teen daughter read your diary. She will feel a lot less weird and unholy to discover that the godly woman she now knows had the same feelings she had at that age! Not all girls let these emotions out. Tears may soak their pillows at night, and they will sometimes speak of suicide, much to the surprise of those who see them as happy and normal.

There is something refreshingly honest, powerful and pure about the idealism of these young adults. When I see these young people, I think of the apostle Peter. When first called to Christ, he is full of the raw, intense teenage emotion. His idealism and passion are coupled with an ability to fall into the deepest pit of despair.

Out of the Boat

But Peter begins to grow up. He wants to step out of the boat and onto the dark waters. Notice that Peter’s moment of “folly” seems motivated less by an intense faith than by a nagging fear. All the disciples are fearful. They see Christ in all his Creator power, and they’re scared. Only Peter dares put his life on the line. “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” There is something mysterious here. Peter is scared silly, but it is absolutely essential to him to know, first of all, whether Christ really is who he appears to be, and secondly, whether Peter himself is in on Christ’s plan. In those steps he is asking himself if Christ really matters to him and asking the Savior whether he, Peter, really matters to Christ. Do I want Jesus? Does Jesus want me?

There comes that moment in a teen’s life when they ask, “Lord, is it you?” If it is the Lord beckoning them, they need to discover it by stepping out into the darkness and onto the water. This is a terribly dangerous moment. The waves are real. The darkness makes both those in the boat and the one stepping out unable to see Christ clearly. But the real danger is not the water, or the darkness. It is the fear itself -the temptation to look at the waves instead of into the face of Christ.

I sometimes think of what the other disciples must have felt as they watched Peter. It must have been quite like what we parents feel as we help our teens step up and over the side of the boat. Some teens say goodbye very politely, and give us a hug as they step out. Some sneak out at night when we’re not looking and we wake in the morning to discover they’re out on their own, in the middle of a storm. Some slap us as they go. Some cling to us and we have to push them out. Some can’t see their Savior waiting, since the mists have settled and they are temporarily blinded. But we parents ought to know that He is there. When we watch them climb over the side, we must remember that they are walking across the water to Jesus. He’s the one who is beckoning them to come.

When They Start to Go Under

I have watched these idealistic teens, like Peter, begin to sink. They take their faces off the Savior. They stubbornly refuse certain rules and begin to draw down upon them the ire of those who love them. They step onto the water, but seem to be turning the wrong way, looking to discover another path, trying to see what life feels like without the constraints of the boat. They want to see what it would be like to live another set of rules. They seem enamored of their own reflection, and start loving their bodies-using them to gain the attention and the affection that they think they haven’t had at home, or that they would like to have on their own terms.

At this point, many Christian young people begin to see themselves as they really are. They fall. They sin. They go too far with a boy, and get pregnant. The mess around with drugs and get arrested. They lose courage in bringing the hope of the gospel to their friends. Maybe a friend dies and they realize that they could have said something to him about the faith, and didn’t. They experience a dramatic break-up with a girl they thought they would marry, and they try to commit suicide. Peter went even farther. In his fear, he even denied Christ.

And then the sad part begins to happen. Instead of finding peace in the knowledge that our children have seen themselves as sinners, and are therefore able to understand grace in a way they never knew before, we who are watching them from the boat start to call them back. We want to grab them, to stop them from falling, to get them back into the dry, safe confines of our houseboat. Like them, we are hopelessly idealistic, and we lack humility. We expect that since we have raised them so well, we deserve a trouble-free existence with them. How dare they spoil their lives (and ours!) like this after all the time, energy, prayers and money we’ve put into them? Where is the peaceful fruit of all the teaching and discipline we have so carefully given them?

We ourselves lose confidence that they are going to “make it” out there in the storm. All the while that they are trying to take those first steps away from the boat and toward their Savior, they can still hear us calling to them. Though they may seem distracted, and you might think they can no longer hear our voices, they do hear them. What message do they hear from us? Sometimes they even turn back and look to us to see if they have our gaze still; to know if we are looking on them with love, with grace, with faith, peace and hope.

Throw the Buoy?

We have an enormous choice at this point. Do we throw out the buoy and haul them back into the boat? Do we turn our back on them and say, “You’ve made your choice! Now live with the consequences. I disown you.” Do we shout instructions at them? Do we ask them where they’re headed?

Please don’t think I am trying to give any simple solution to these moments. But I have begun to realize how important in my children’s eyes is my own steadiness of faith in the Savior and His promises in these moments of crisis. Suppose I grab my daughter by the throat and scream, “What’s the matter with you? How can you be a Christian and do what you are doing?” Her rebellious actions may be telling me, “I don’t care what you think. I’m going to do what I please.” But ultimately, she cares enormously what I think. And if I tell her she’s going to drown, that she is not a Christian, right when she has stepped out of the boat and is lost in the storm and can’t quite see the face of Jesus, she might believe me! I still hold a lot of power in her life. She knows how much I love her. She has a lot of respect for me, underneath it all. In her mind, she will say, “If my mother thinks I’m not a Christian, then I can’t possibly be one!” This abandonment of hope on our part as parents (or pastors, or youth leaders, or older brothers and sisters, or close friends) leads our children to absolute despair. Not only have they lost sight of Jesus in the dark, but so have we!

However, we have another choice.

We Can’t Read Hearts

First of all, we must remember that we cannot read our child’s heart. Behavior can stem from all kinds of motivations. So your daughter wants to bring a lesbian home. You can decide that she’s becoming a lesbian, or you can believe that she genuinely wants to help someone. Don’t jump to conclusions! Ask some questions. “What do you feel when you’re with these girls? Are you attracted to them? Are they attracted to you? What might happen if one of them fell in love with you? How do you think you can actually help them? Can I help you to help them? What could I do?”

Your son has taken up smoking. You can decide he wants to humiliate you, or you can imagine that he really does enjoy it, and thinks he can keep it in control. Talk about it. “Do you think the Bible commands us not to smoke? Why? Why not? “All things are lawful, but all things are not expedient.” What does this mean in relation to smoking? Could you cause someone else to sin by smoking? What do you think is a moderate amount of smoking? Will this really hurt your health? How much will? Why do you think you can control it?”

Don’t forget, you can have a perfectly well-behaved child who is disgusting in the eyes of the Lord. I once heard the testimony of a clean-cut young man who had been an excellent student, a Sunday School teacher, and a fine athlete. Only when he was working with a very astute church colleague did that friend discover what truly motivated this young man. As an eleven-year-old child, living in Mexico, he had watched his step-father murder his mother. His grandmother had adopted him and reared him in the US. He spent his entire childhood trying to learn as much as he could, so that he could earn enough money to buy a gun, travel back to his step-father’s home and murder him! So don’t ever think that actions tell the whole story. Ask Christ for the wisdom to try to understand your child’s heart.

Your Young Adults Value Your Opinion

Secondly, children really have a great deal of confidence in our opinions, no matter what they say to the contrary. If you have given them reason to respect you, they will long for your approval. When we give up on them, they give up on themselves. When we lose faith in God’s covenant promises, how can we expect them to keep on believing? When we lose heart, they have no safety net at all on which to fall back. It is at this point that some truly take the plunge into paganism. They decide, “If my parents don’t think I’m a Christian, then I might as well have fun not being a Christian!” Sometimes they actually turn to us and ask us, “Well, what do you think of me, mom? Do you think I’m a Christian, dad?” These are such delicate moments in our children’s lives.

When they ask this question, it is so important to stay with them down on the sinner level. You cannot ultimately answer your children’s question as to whether they are Christians. You need to tell them that only they themselves and the Holy Spirit can work through the answer to that question. But in the meantime, let them know what you did when you were a teenager, and even more, let them see the sinful struggles of your heart right now. Maybe, dad, this is the moment to confide in them the struggle you have, resisting the tug of those graphic internet pages, or the time you were tempted to leave your marriage for another woman. Maybe mom, this is the time to admit that you had an abortion, or that you made love to someone before you were married. And if you have no “deep, dark secrets,” don’t feel you have to create them, but for Christ’s sake and the gospel’s, remind your children of the depth of your sin. Tell them how hard it is for you to learn submission. Tell them how proud you are, how spiteful, how full of bitterness you sometimes find yourself. Let them understand that you join them in the dark waters, for we all have been there. We have all lost sight of Christ’s face. Don’t tell them all the doctrinal things all over again at this moment. Oh, of course, share with them if you like, encouraging promises that God will never let His children go. Tell them that He carries them, that He rejoices in them, that He gently disciplines them, that He loves them so much He sings over them.

I don’t at all mean that you treat sin lightly. But look at it flatly, coldly, without fear or anger. It is God alone who has a right to get angry about sin. And we are on the same side of the sin divide as are our children. God has as much reason to walk away from us for our lack of faith as He does to walk away from our children. But no, He stretches out his hand to us, and to our children together, “Oh, ye of little faith. Why do you doubt? Fear not!”

No Fear

How repetitive Jesus is about fear. “Fear not!” the Holy One repeats to sinners. Always, when God comes to meet His people, He tells them, “Fear not!” Why do we have such trouble encouraging our teens not to fear? It’s because we are eaten up by fear ourselves. We are afraid that our own sin can destroy God’s work in our children. We are afraid that our children’s behavior will make us look less holy in the eyes of our Christian friends. We are afraid that the path they are taking will force us into an uncomfortable life. We are afraid that they will abandon the Lord and walk off into their own paths. And of course, we have that ultimate fear that gnaws away at us…the fear that they will not be with us in eternity.

This last and final fear we must also place into Christ’s hand as we grasp His. These are the dark waters that threaten to engulf us as parents. But only as we listen to Christ’s voice, “Fear not!” and believe Him, will we then be able to turn our children’s gaze away from the waters, away from the boat, away from their own reflection, away from our own face and say to them, “Keep looking at Jesus. His face shines on you in your darkest moment. He has not forgotten you! He stretches out His hand to rescue you. Look to His love. It never fails. Your sin cannot keep out His love. Look and keep believing. Look up from the dark waters to the One who loves you far more than ever I can.”